How to Avoid Being Happy

Kenny passed away a few months ago. I'm reminded of my past friendship with him every time I walk into Brookside Retirement Community and see the montages of pictures of residents and staff sharing special moments. There's a wonderful picture of Kenny and me, cheek to cheek, with big smiles on our faces. You'd never know that several years back when I worked with him full time, he was often grumpy and never had anything appreciative to say about much of  anything. Except he loved it when I might take him out for a trip to the Dollar General where he could stock up on bird seed and soda pop.

We used to excuse his behavior as a cover-up for his sense of unworthiness for receiving anything of value. Because, before he came to Brookside, he was the town throw-away. A couple of good Samaritans came along and rescued him, taking on the role of Durable Power of Attorney, and making sure that his last years of life would be years in which he would be treated with dignity and love. And perhaps he would, for once, enjoy some of the finer things in life.

One day, some of my coworkers and I cooked up a fishing trip for the men. We coaxed Kenny into joining us. When we arrived at the city lake, he immediately started complaining that the lake was no good and that he wasn't going to have any fun. And then, to prove his point, he parked his walker and laid down on the sidewalk. It reminded me of a truth I learned from Dr. Paul Fitzgerald who often speaks on ways people try to avoid losing in life. One of the twelve "dirty dozen" ways of trying to beat the system, or as Dr. Phil would say, "Do you want to be right, or do you want to be happy?" is "Don't play the game."

So, on this particular occasion, I thought I'd play the "don't-play-the-game" game along with him. And he kinda liked that. It was a moment where he felt validated and noticed. And I rather enjoyed the moment myself.

My coworker, Jill, found this picture and gave it to me the other day. It's different than the one you can see on the bulletin board at Brookside, but I like it better. And it demonstrates to me, how important it is to enter the world of individuals in long-term care. And how wonderful it is to just spend a moment to be with someone on their turf.

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Kareen King is a Registered Drama Therapist and founder of The Golden Experience™, offering keynotes, concerts, and workshops to enrich lives in long-term care. For booking information, contact her at kking@thegoldenexperience.com or visit www.thegoldenexperience.com. Kareen's CD's which feature original songs that give voice to individuals in long-term care settings, have been used as caregiver training tools, gifts for long-term care staff and volunteers, and for personal inspiration. To hear samples and to purchase, click http://www.cdbaby.com/Artist/KareenKing.